I credit my parents with the toolbox I started out with. It was deep and strong and it had lots of compartments, everything designed for thoughtful organization and efficient access. But when Erin was born, there wasn't much in it, just a jumble of ideas and idealism and disorganized ephemeral thoughts rooted in my Suzuki music upbringing and the experience I'd gained both as a child and as an adult in a variety of environments. I rooted around in there for a long time before I started to see a semblance of organization in what was lurking in those deep corners. Over the years that organization and efficiency of access has gradually come, along with the conviction that underlies it.

Although I'm still evolving both as a parent and as a person, I now I define myself as a "positive parent". That means that I think discipline is about teaching, not punishment, and that this teaching should be as non-coercive and empathic as possible. I believe children want to become valuable and competent members of society, and that misbehaviour springs chiefly from their discouragement rather than from intrinsically naughty natures.

And so, as time goes on, I find that there isn't one secure, simple answer for the challenges parenting throws at me. Just as there are a many possible challenges I'll face as a parent, so there are many solutions. And so the contents of my parenting toolbox are many, and my creativity is required as I seek out the right tool, and add to new tools to my collection as new issues present themselves. I'm just starting to put together some of my ideas in list form. Here's the start of my list below:

• Distraction: If something is consuming your child's attention in a negative way, see if you can entice that attention into a new direction. "Hey, want to play roll and catch with me?" or "You know, I've been wanting to get out the craft stuff out and work on those dreamcatchers. Would now be a good time?"
• Redirection: Turn the same focus and energy in a more acceptable direction. "We don't jump on the living room furniture, but we got some bubble-wrap in the mail the other day, and you could jump on that on the floor and break all the bubbles." Or "You sure love playing in the water! That's a problem here, but if you'd like we could get you a bucket of sudsy water to clean the bathtub."
• Food: Yup, just as simple as it sounds. "Wow, you sound angry. I wonder if you'd feel better after a snack. How about an apple?"
• Relaxation: For my introverts this is often stuff that removes them from the flow of social discourse: a bath, a back rub, deep breaths, a cocooning activity in one's bedroom, a walk outside.
• Verbal reflection: Express what you believe your child to be thinking and feeling. This is especially helpful with toddlers and older children who don't freely express their feelings. They may feel misunderstood, or unable to communicate, and reflecting your child's feelings back to him may satisfy him that he's been heard and understood. "I think you're feeling very frustrated with the way your swimming sessions have to end at a certain time. That's probably very hard for you."
• Deflection: Turn the unacceptable expression of feelings towards a more acceptable object. "You're really angry that you can't make a nice neat letter K. Why don't you put that silly pencil down and punch it a few times. Rotten thing; it won't let you make a neat letter." Or "Look, you're really mad at your brother and you'd really like to tell him off. Why don't we pretend I'm him, and you can tell me all the nasty things you'd like to say to him."
• Give choices: Most power struggles spring from the child's sense that his personal autonomy is being excessively limited. The more choices the child is given, the better. "We need to have a vegetable for supper to stay healthy. Would you rather have raw carrots, peas or corn?"
• Involve the child meaningfully: Children tend not to like having things done to them, while they will often accept the same things done by them. My daughter will not eat salad made for her, but she will eat the very same salad if she contributed to making it herself.
• Make a game of it: The kids won't want to clean up all the toys from the living room floor, but they'll very likely want to participate in a game where they are challenged to "be faster than mommy" or "put away all the blue things you can find".
• Objectify it: As adults, we think abstractly and over the long term and are able to see the benefits of our ongoing diligence. Children, though, aren't able to get intrinsic satisfaction from the same activities that seem ever so sensible to us. Objectifying is a useful strategy. Make a chart or a list, count what your child is doing, use marbles or beans to keep track. "Hey look, you've cleaned the sink four weeks in a row: see?"
• Give warning: Much of the young child's difficulty with transitions can be prevented by consistent, concrete warning. "We're going to have to leave in ten minutes to pick up daddy. You have a few more minutes to play, but when the big hand on my watch points to the nine, we have to go."
• Encourage an inventory of transitional activities: In tandem with the above approach, I've found it helpful to ask my kids to decide what they need to do before we leave or stop doing whatever it is we're doing. "In ten minutes we're going to have to leave the playground. What would you like to make sure you get a chance to do before we leave?
• Predict and pre-empt: If there's a predictable situation or time of day that tends to be characterized by misbehaviour or conflict, fill your child up with all he needs before that time arrives. Noah used to have regular meltdowns at 4 pm, until I discovered I was able to predict them. Thereafter a few minutes at 3 pm spent cuddling, reading a story and sharing a snack prevented the difficulties.
• Reduce the negativity: Tell children what you do want them to do, not what they shouldn't do. "Feet stay on the floor." "Chairs are for sitting on."
• Let it go: Don't feel you have to solve it. Sometimes kids need to let their meltdowns run their course, to get the feelings out. Sometimes they need to work their difficulties out themselves.
• Change a mood: If you can't change a mind, change a mood. Inject the situation with humour. When my daughter is starting to get frustrated about something, when I can sense her veering dangerously close to an emotional/behavioural precipice, I'll pull a silly face or say something totally off the wall.
• Focus on solutions, not blame: Rather than forcing a child into defensiveness by blaming or shaming him, describe the situation and then initiate or suggest a solution. "I see a lot of orange juice on the floor. Here is a sponge and a bucket of warm water. I bet that will help!"
• Examine your expectations: Should a 2-year-old really be able to keep a playroom tidy? Should a toddler really be able to learn not to touch the Royal Doulton? Children can use the tools they have, which are dependent on age and maturity.
• Limit screen time: The TV seems like a simple solution to misbehaviour and conflict, especially because we you turn it on all the negative stuff seems to vapourize. The problem is that it doesn't disappear, it just goes into a state of suspended animation, and when the TV goes off, the interpersonal dramas that triggered those negative feelings in the first place seem even more intrusive and annoying than they did before.
• Express confidence: "It's been a tough week and you've had lots of stuff to deal with. But I know you're responsible enough to work out a way to get your piano assignments done by Tuesday."
• Model it: Don't expect your child to learn behaviours without witnessing them being played out authentically. I spent a winter learning to ice-skate so that my children could see me have humiliating falls without getting angry and giving up. My children's thoughtful behaviours towards me escalated dramatically when I began making an effort to demonstrate similar things publically towards them or my husband.
• Divide and conquer: If you're lucky enough to have a two-parent situation in your family, take advantage of it. "Daddy can help you with that, and I'll spend some time with your sister to keep her from getting in the way." Or "You're very upset about not being able to do that. Could daddy stay with your brother while you and I go together to your bedroom for a cuddle?"
• Intervene physically: When words don't cut it, don't keep talking. Move in and enforce your standards. "You're having a hard time stopping yourself from throwing sand. I'll have to help stop you. Come with me and we'll sit together over here for a few minutes."
• Take a time-out: For yourself. When your emotions are running high and you've lost your ability to think creativity, when you feel like your buttons are being pushed, give yourself a moment to regroup, to try to regenerate the "big picture". This is a highly useful strategy when you're on the verge of doing something you'll regret. Lock yourself in the bathroom, and take five minutes.
• Let them grow up: Sometimes kids do things just because they're small, inexperienced, or have poor impulse control. When my 2-year-old makes a big mess with the liquid soap in the sink every time she washes her hand, she doesn't need punishment or limit-setting. She just needs some time to take uninhibited delight in bubbles, slime, colours and messes, and then it won't be such a big deal. When my 4-year-old forgets to put his bike helmet on time after time, he just needs me to remember for him. When he's bigger he'll remember.